And Then What
by Star of Heaven
Summary: [Persona 3] Akihiko wants to reconnect with Shinjiro, but the past still haunts them. [Shinjiro x Akihiko]


And Then What

Disclaimer: I don't own Persona 3. This story takes place before the October full moon, but does contain spoilers for some of the revelations that occur then. This is also a Shinjiro x Akihiko story, but it's hardly romantic. Enjoy!

* * *

Early October. Soon there would be another full moon. Another mission. Soon everything would be over. And then what? Would they still be together? Or would they all go their own separate ways, never to see one another again?

Shinjiro. Akihiko had grown up with him. Mitsuru. Akihiko had met her when he began middle school. Yukari, Junpei, Minato, Fuuka, Aegis, Koromaru, Ken. Akihiko had met them all this year. The dorms were becoming crowded.

The television flickered brightly, but Akihiko was hardly paying it any attention. He had wanted to go to Tartarus tonight, but the others had not wanted to, Shinjiro and Ken especially. In fact, as the October full moon drew closer and closer, Shinjiro and Ken began acting more and more strangely. Akihiko hoped that was merely a coincidence. Ken couldn't have known about what Shinjiro had done two years ago.

With the remote control in his hands, Akihiko stood up and turned off the television. He was alone in the lounge, and he was bored and uneasy. Everyone else had gone to bed, but Akihiko didn't feel tired at all. But still, he thought, maybe he should go to bed now. He would need a good night's sleep, in case he had the chance to go to Tartarus tomorrow. He placed the remote control on the coffee table and then headed for the stairs.

"Oh Sanada-san, you're still awake?"

Akihiko looked up, and saw Ken standing at the top of the stairway. "Shouldn't you be in bed now?" Akihiko said as he began ascending the steps.

"I couldn't sleep," Ken answered as Akihiko came up next to him. "I wanted to watch some TV for a little bit."

Akihiko sighed. "All right, but no more than an half-hour. The TV won't work during the Dark Hour anyway."

Ken chuckled. "You're acting like a big brother. Don't worry, I won't stay up too long."

"Yeah, a brother…" Akihiko mumbled as Ken started down the stairs. Akihiko turned toward the hallway, but before he had started moving, Ken's voice stopped him.

"Hey, what kind of guy is Aragaki-san?"

Akihiko turned his head. Ken was still on the stairs, gripping the railing tightly, but he was not facing Akihiko. It made Akihiko nervous, but he had to answer Ken's question. "He's rather stubborn and antisocial, but he really is a nice guy," he explained, trying to force a smile. Probably a twisted, false smile, but it didn't matter, as Ken was facing the other way.

"Really." Ken's tone was almost cynical, as if he doubted Akihiko's answer. His fingers on the railing flexed, and without saying anything else, he continued down the stairs.

It was definitely not Akihiko's imagination; Ken was acting strangely. "Damn it…" he swore quietly, running his fingers through his hair. He began walking toward his room, but as he passed Shinjiro's room, he saw light creeping out from under the door.

"Still awake, huh?" Akihiko thought to himself. "Just like Ken…" He gripped the doorknob and turned it. He pushed open the door and saw Shinjiro sitting on his bed, reading a comic book (probably one of Junpei's or Minato's, Akihiko thought briefly). Shinjiro was still mostly dressed, but he had removed his maroon coat; the black sweater he wore underneath was loose-fitting and made him seem thinner than he really was.

"Don't you ever knock first?" Shinjiro snapped without looking up from the comic book.

"I didn't want to wake anyone else up," Akihiko said, stepping inside the room and closing the door behind him.

"So why are you bothering me?" Even as he said that, Shinjiro's focus remained on the comic in his hands.

Akihiko bit his lower lip. "We haven't talked much since you came back."

"Tch. You're really needy, Aki. I'm not going to have sex with you."

Akihiko's face became red. "That's not what I'm here for!" he replied angrily. "Shinji, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Shinjiro slapped the comic book closed between his palms. He stared straight toward Akihiko, his eyes narrow. "What is that fucking kid doing here?"

"He's a Persona-user, like us. You know that, and you had no problem with him being here when you returned. And don't call him that."

"He's still in elementary school. We don't need to recruit every Persona-user that comes our way."

"Shinji, that happened two years ago. Let it go!"

"Shut up!" Shinjiro was almost yelling now. "Like you're one to talk. I could say the same to you about Miki."

Akihiko's fist balled up. "That's not the same thing!"

"Of course not. I actually killed someone." Shinjiro smiled sarcastically. "Sister or stranger, it's all the same. People die everyday. Why should anybody care? Aki, you're a hypocrite."

Akihiko lunged forward and his fist lashed out, hitting Shinjiro in the side of the face. Shinjiro fell backwards onto his bed and Akihiko landed on top of him. With his hands on Shinjiro's shoulders, Akihiko pushed himself upward, and his knees tightened around Shinjiro's hips. "Shinji, you're a fucking moron," he whispered harshly, his face averted from Shinjiro's.

"Dammit Aki, you're heavy," Shinjiro said, groaning in pain. "Get off of me."

Tears began to well up in Akihiko's eyes. "Shinji, what is wrong with you?" Teardrops fell from his eyes and onto Shinjiro's face. "I'm trying to be strong, but if I can't let go of the past…"

"Aki, you don't have to pretend to love me anymore."

Those words, Shinjiro's words, were like millions of sharp needles. How could Shinjiro say such a thing? "Damn it, I'm not pretending!" Akihiko yelled, his voice cracking. "Shinji, I never stopped loving you. With Miki gone, you're all I have left…"

"So I'm a replacement for your sister? That's disgusting."

"No! It's not like that. Shinji, I…" Akihiko trailed off. He paused for a second, and then he roughly pressed his lips against Shinjiro's.

An open-mouthed, violent, passionate kiss. It was something Akihiko and Shinjiro used to share often, and it had always led to something more. It had never felt awkward. Akihiko slipped his tongue into Shinjiro's mouth, slowly and carefully. But Shinjiro pulled his tongue back, and his teeth lightly scraped against Akihiko's tongue, as if it was meant to be a warning.

This time was different. It felt so awkward, so wrong. Akihiko was practically forcing himself on Shinjiro. He was still in love with Shinjiro, wasn't he? Maybe he really wasn't, he thought as he slid his left hand down Shinjiro's chest. Maybe he was just trying too hard to pretend to be, Akihiko thought as his left hand came closer to Shinjiro's waist, close to the hem of his pants.

Would Shinjiro use his teeth, or would he merely push Akihiko away? Shinjiro was very good at that, Akihiko thought bitterly. Shinjiro had never been an active lover; Akihiko had been the one to always initialize things. He had always been the one to make love to Shinjiro.

Maybe Shinjiro had only pretended to enjoy being fucked. Maybe he had only let Akihiko fuck him out of pity.

Such painful revelations flooded through Akihiko's mind, and he desperately tried to block them out. His right hand came against the nape of Shinjiro's neck and seized a fistful of brown hair, thus sharply pulling Shinjiro's head back, and his left hand went further down into Shinjiro's pants. Shinjiro was rather hard now…

Shinjiro brought his knee into Akihiko's groin; it was a quick, sharp jab, but it wouldn't leave any lasting harm. Akihiko groaned and the pain made him disorientated enough for Shinjiro to push him off of the bed. Akihiko hit the floor with a loud thump.

"You stupid fucker," Shinjiro insulted as he sat up. His face was crimson and his breathing irregular. He brought the back of his hand up to his lips.

"Shit, that hurt!" Akihiko said, slowly standing up. He was still in pain, but he tried to not let it show.

"It's your own damn fault," Shinjiro replied, turning his face away. "Just get out."

Shinjiro didn't watch as Akihiko left; he just heard the door open and then close and that was it. He thought he had heard Akihiko sigh heavily, but maybe that had been him. It was difficult to tell sometimes. After all, they both needed each other, but they did nothing but hurt each other.

The digital clock now read 11:58 in bright red numbers, red as blood. It was a color Shinjiro didn't like.

His eyes fixed on the clock, he lay down on his bed. 11:59. He still held the comic book in his hand. He couldn't remember the title now, much less what it had been about. That didn't matter; it didn't even matter if Akihiko was only pretending to love him. He still loved Akihiko, and only Akihiko.

By being hateful, Shinjiro wasn't punishing Akihiko. He was punishing himself. He was weak. He didn't deserve Akihiko's love, whether it was real or fake. Shinjiro had killed someone and then had tried to run away; there was no way Akihiko really loved him anymore. Akihiko had put so much into their relationship, and Shinjiro had thrown it all away. Just to suppress his powers, he was practically killing himself. For him, death was apparently preferable to a life fill of harsh responsibilities. He really was weak.

If his Evoker was a real gun, could he have ended everything already?

12:00.

The full moon couldn't come soon enough. 


End file.
